How to handle a breakup

How do you cope with a breakup? Here are some thoughts for dealing with break ups, for the benefit of the person who's been dumped. If the dumper has any compassion it's not easy for them either, but it's generally harder for the dumpee, so that's who this is aimed at.

I'm no psychologist or counsellor. These suggestions stem from my own experience and observations, and others' advice and reports of their own experiences. I don't claim they're the only possible solution, you may disagree with some of them and not all of them may work for everyone, so certainly you shouldn't necessarily follow them slavishly or rigidly. But if they help even one person, that's good enough for me.

1. First and foremost - please, please, please don't do anything rash. It may feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. Life can go on - if you let it; if you help it along. You can get over her.

If you feel the urge to do something foolish, don't - take a few deep breaths, talk to friends, call the Samaritans or other helpline, write out your thoughts and feelings to help clarify them and settle your mind, and maybe get them out of your system.

2. The most important thing is to let it go, so that you can get on with the rest of your life. Ignore those who claim it ain't over till it's over. Clinging to false hopes only serves to stop you from moving on. Recognise and accept that when it's over, it's over.

The practical strategies here, in fact I think most suggestions on how to handle relationship breakdowns, are geared towards that end.

So, what methods can you use to help you get through it?

3. Let yourself grieve. It's only human. It seems to be part of the healing process for the vast majority of people. It's natural to feel pain - rejection is bound to hurt the ego, and yes you'll miss her and what you had together. Cry, weep, throw things (not dangerously!), howl at the moon. But whatever you do, don't retreat inside yourself or bottle it up. Don't worry if for months afterwards you find yourself tearing, or even breaking into uncontrollable sobbing at the oddest moments, for any reason or no reason. If people give you funny looks that's their problem, some people just lack sensitivity and empathy. It may take some time so be prepared for that, but you have to let it all out, don't try to hold it in or it may fester. If you'll forgive the icky analogy, it's like getting all the pus out of a burst sore. It hurts, of course it hurts. Let yourself feel the pain, then get over it.

4. Seek support, and use it. Don't try to cope with a break up all by yourself. Seeking help and support is not being weak. Very few people get through difficult emotional times alone, or if they do it may not be as well or as quickly. A good friend who's supportive and sensible can be a tower of strength. Family may be too. Or try a professional therapist or counsellor. Helplines like the Samaritans. For most people, talking about it really helps, with someone they can lean on a bit from time to time.

5. Make it a clean break and do all you can to ensure you won't need to have contact with her for a while. Even if you want to stay friends, for many people that's possible only in the medium to longer term. Most people seem to need some period of time when you don't see her at all, in order to get over the breakup and start to be able to view her as just a friend. I think it's part of letting go and moving on - it's harder to stop thinking of her constantly if you still see her around or talk to her a lot.

So grit your teeth and sit down ASAP to talk about divvying up your joint stuff, move yourself (or her) out ASAP. Get rid of things that remind you powerfully of her, stuff em into a box temporarily and shove it out of sight if you don't want to chuck them for good.

If she still wants to meet up thereafter, even with the best of intentions, politely decline. It may be hard not to see her if you move in the same social circles so consider juggling, or make some new friends (coping with mutual friends taking "sides" after a breakup is a whole different problem and one I won't even try to tackle here!).

Other practical things, which can also be cathartic - delete or archive her emails and texts, delete her voicemails, delete her from your contacts or move her down the list (e.g. I put a space or number at the front of main contacts to keep them at the top of the list in my mobile phone, so I'd delete the number or change it to a Z to move it to the end of the list, if I don't delete it altogether. I won't say how many times I've done that!). Again, don't be too drastic in deleting contact details you might need in future, just move it out of sight. Get reminders of her out of your life as much as you can.

6. Keep busy. Occupy yourself with other things to take your mind off the breakup, so you won't keep brooding about it or thinking about her. Throw yourself into your work (though not excessively!), your hobby, learn a new skill, pursue a new interest, make new friends, go out lots (just ideally not where you may bump into her).

Meditation can be a helpful tool. Don't laugh, it's not just New Age nonsense, there's scientific evidence that it works by resting the mind and helping it let go. It's just another way to get your brain to think of things other than her, or, strictly, of nothing at all, so that it can have a break from thinking and stressing. Everytime you want to start thinking about her or the relationship (e.g. you pass someone in the street wearing the same perfume or cologne - scent is such a powerful thing), think about something else instead, focus on your breathing, let yourself be conscious of the noises around you, just listen without thinking.

7. Don't brood, don't dwell on it, I say yet again. Forget over-analysis or dissection. Don't blame yourself, or her (often it takes two - but even if one of you's more to blame, it doesn't matter who. It's still over. What you need to focus your energies on is moving on). There's no point going over and over it and regretting or wishing "If only...", or working out whose fault it was, it only holds you back.

Some people are particularly bad at this one, me included. There are people who never manage to move on because they won't let themselves; they stubbornly cling on, and never allow themselves to heal. They are their own worst enemies. That's self-destructive behaviour, and indeed sometimes they are trying to punish themselves for what went wrong, consciously or not. Don't be like that, it really isn't good for your mental wellbeing. Even if part of it was your fault, don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone makes mistakes. Just let them go, try to learn from them, try not to repeat them. And if it was her fault, there's still no point blaming her. Get over it, let it go.

Especially, don't agonise over possible reasons or explanations. People often aren't rational, they may not have good reasons, or indeed any reasons. One week she may spontaneously exclaim how much she loves you and how fantastic you make her feel, a week later she may dump you. There's no point wondering why, or dwelling on the inconsistencies or contradictions between what she said and what she did.

Wanting a good reason, dammit, is one thing people might focus on to try to help them get over it - because knowing there's a rational justification which makes some kind of sense may make it easier for some people to cope. The problem is that if there is no good reason, as is the case all too often, then you're wasting time and energy looking for it. Don't do that. Accept the fact that there may be no good reason, that there's no point looking for reasons. Look forward, not back. Look after yourself.

Tags: help, advice, relationship breakdown, breakup, breakups, coping, strategies, practical tips, tips, hints,women, lesbians, dykes, Frightening the Horses, JLucyL