Frightening the Horses

Sunday, May 06, 2007

How To Put On A Bra video

Absolutely fabulous! I must practice putting on a bra this way.

clipped from www.youtube.com

Labels: cool, humour

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Gay-friendly employers - Workplace Equality Index 2007

Stonewall last week published its 2007 Workplace Equality Index (WEI) of the UK's 100 most lesbian and gay-friendly employers (Stonewall press release).

"These are the organisations that scored highest on a 20-question survey covering nine policy and practice areas. the overall winner in 2007 is IBM, with Staffordshire Police, the 2006 overall winner, in second place and Manchester City Council and the Greater London Authority sharing third place."

Lloyds TSB was Most Improved Employer and Manchester City Council won an award for Network Group of the Year.

Investment banks and other banks, consulting firms and government/police employers were the sectors with the highest average score. (And look how profitable investment banks and consultants are - perhaps there's a connection with LGB-friendly policies, perhaps not, but it must show at least that actively promoting diversity doesn't hurt your business.)
But it's disheartening to note that there is still a "pink plateau", as Ben Summerskill the Stonewall Chief Executive said.

Even though The 2003 Employment Equality (Sexual Orientation) Regulations made workplace discrimination against gay people unlawful, "Stonewall still deals regularly with people facing workplace discrimination" and research in 2004 by the University of Cardiff for Stonewall found that as many as one in four lesbian, gay or bisexual people in Wales had been dismissed or forced to leave a job at some point in their working lives because of their sexuality, while nearly half of gay employees still feel unable to reveal their sexual orientation at work.

Labels: bisexual, discrimination, employment, Frightening the Horses, gay, Great Britain, JLucyL, jobs, lesbian, LGB, sexual orientation, Stonewall, UK, WEI, work, workplace equality index

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Transgender (trans) issues

The very interesting and helpful Gingerbeer Vault thread on trans issues (mainly about FTM issues) was meant to be permanently archived, but vanished from the boards.

I managed to find some of those Webpages in my Google Desktop cache.

So here they are for posterity in case anyone else may find them of use:

How to choose a cane

Might as well post this here - handout by Spanking Tools on different types of canes, and how to choose a cane. From Chopper's May 2006 workshop at LAM.

Chopper gave me permission to scan and post the handout.

Monday, July 31, 2006

How to handle a breakup

How do you cope with a breakup? Here are some thoughts for dealing with break ups, for the benefit of the person who's been dumped. If the dumper has any compassion it's not easy for them either, but it's generally harder for the dumpee, so that's who this is aimed at.

I'm no psychologist or counsellor. These suggestions stem from my own experience and observations, and others' advice and reports of their own experiences. I don't claim they're the only possible solution, you may disagree with some of them and not all of them may work for everyone, so certainly you shouldn't necessarily follow them slavishly or rigidly. But if they help even one person, that's good enough for me.

1. First and foremost - please, please, please don't do anything rash. It may feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. Life can go on - if you let it; if you help it along. You can get over her.

If you feel the urge to do something foolish, don't - take a few deep breaths, talk to friends, call the Samaritans or other helpline, write out your thoughts and feelings to help clarify them and settle your mind, and maybe get them out of your system.

2. The most important thing is to let it go, so that you can get on with the rest of your life. Ignore those who claim it ain't over till it's over. Clinging to false hopes only serves to stop you from moving on. Recognise and accept that when it's over, it's over.

The practical strategies here, in fact I think most suggestions on how to handle relationship breakdowns, are geared towards that end.

So, what methods can you use to help you get through it?

3. Let yourself grieve. It's only human. It seems to be part of the healing process for the vast majority of people. It's natural to feel pain - rejection is bound to hurt the ego, and yes you'll miss her and what you had together. Cry, weep, throw things (not dangerously!), howl at the moon. But whatever you do, don't retreat inside yourself or bottle it up. Don't worry if for months afterwards you find yourself tearing, or even breaking into uncontrollable sobbing at the oddest moments, for any reason or no reason. If people give you funny looks that's their problem, some people just lack sensitivity and empathy. It may take some time so be prepared for that, but you have to let it all out, don't try to hold it in or it may fester. If you'll forgive the icky analogy, it's like getting all the pus out of a burst sore. It hurts, of course it hurts. Let yourself feel the pain, then get over it.

4. Seek support, and use it. Don't try to cope with a break up all by yourself. Seeking help and support is not being weak. Very few people get through difficult emotional times alone, or if they do it may not be as well or as quickly. A good friend who's supportive and sensible can be a tower of strength. Family may be too. Or try a professional therapist or counsellor. Helplines like the Samaritans. For most people, talking about it really helps, with someone they can lean on a bit from time to time.

5. Make it a clean break and do all you can to ensure you won't need to have contact with her for a while. Even if you want to stay friends, for many people that's possible only in the medium to longer term. Most people seem to need some period of time when you don't see her at all, in order to get over the breakup and start to be able to view her as just a friend. I think it's part of letting go and moving on - it's harder to stop thinking of her constantly if you still see her around or talk to her a lot.

So grit your teeth and sit down ASAP to talk about divvying up your joint stuff, move yourself (or her) out ASAP. Get rid of things that remind you powerfully of her, stuff em into a box temporarily and shove it out of sight if you don't want to chuck them for good.

If she still wants to meet up thereafter, even with the best of intentions, politely decline. It may be hard not to see her if you move in the same social circles so consider juggling, or make some new friends (coping with mutual friends taking "sides" after a breakup is a whole different problem and one I won't even try to tackle here!).

Other practical things, which can also be cathartic - delete or archive her emails and texts, delete her voicemails, delete her from your contacts or move her down the list (e.g. I put a space or number at the front of main contacts to keep them at the top of the list in my mobile phone, so I'd delete the number or change it to a Z to move it to the end of the list, if I don't delete it altogether. I won't say how many times I've done that!). Again, don't be too drastic in deleting contact details you might need in future, just move it out of sight. Get reminders of her out of your life as much as you can.

6. Keep busy. Occupy yourself with other things to take your mind off the breakup, so you won't keep brooding about it or thinking about her. Throw yourself into your work (though not excessively!), your hobby, learn a new skill, pursue a new interest, make new friends, go out lots (just ideally not where you may bump into her).

Meditation can be a helpful tool. Don't laugh, it's not just New Age nonsense, there's scientific evidence that it works by resting the mind and helping it let go. It's just another way to get your brain to think of things other than her, or, strictly, of nothing at all, so that it can have a break from thinking and stressing. Everytime you want to start thinking about her or the relationship (e.g. you pass someone in the street wearing the same perfume or cologne - scent is such a powerful thing), think about something else instead, focus on your breathing, let yourself be conscious of the noises around you, just listen without thinking.

7. Don't brood, don't dwell on it, I say yet again. Forget over-analysis or dissection. Don't blame yourself, or her (often it takes two - but even if one of you's more to blame, it doesn't matter who. It's still over. What you need to focus your energies on is moving on). There's no point going over and over it and regretting or wishing "If only...", or working out whose fault it was, it only holds you back.

Some people are particularly bad at this one, me included. There are people who never manage to move on because they won't let themselves; they stubbornly cling on, and never allow themselves to heal. They are their own worst enemies. That's self-destructive behaviour, and indeed sometimes they are trying to punish themselves for what went wrong, consciously or not. Don't be like that, it really isn't good for your mental wellbeing. Even if part of it was your fault, don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone makes mistakes. Just let them go, try to learn from them, try not to repeat them. And if it was her fault, there's still no point blaming her. Get over it, let it go.

Especially, don't agonise over possible reasons or explanations. People often aren't rational, they may not have good reasons, or indeed any reasons. One week she may spontaneously exclaim how much she loves you and how fantastic you make her feel, a week later she may dump you. There's no point wondering why, or dwelling on the inconsistencies or contradictions between what she said and what she did.

Wanting a good reason, dammit, is one thing people might focus on to try to help them get over it - because knowing there's a rational justification which makes some kind of sense may make it easier for some people to cope. The problem is that if there is no good reason, as is the case all too often, then you're wasting time and energy looking for it. Don't do that. Accept the fact that there may be no good reason, that there's no point looking for reasons. Look forward, not back. Look after yourself.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Just Purrr-fect!

This is a review of Purrr, a new play club in London for women who do SM with women, including women who live full time as women, and FTM and intersex people who feel that they still have a link to the women's/dyke community - but no male TVs or male crossdressers. To quote from their website:

Purrr was created for women who do SM play with other women. Purrr is unique in that we offer the only regular late night women's monthly play club. Where you can learn, share and explore with other women your interest in BDSM sexuality, based on a consensual exchange of power between partners. It's a safe, relaxed and friendly atmosphere intended to encourage an attitude-free fetish environment.

You'd think that in a city like London there would be at least one decent women's play club, but no. Not until now. Many a club has come and gone, in my time alone One Night Stand, Sticky Fingers, and, though it's still running, Klub Fukk - but none of them have had what it takes, in my view.

Purrr does. I went to Purrr's launch night on Friday 31 March 2006, and was simply blown away. Let's list just some of the things Purrr's got right which no other club in London has so far...

Location and opening hours

Some clubs are too far away or too hard to find. Purrr is just 5 to 10 minutes' walk from Tufnell Park tube, Northern line (zone 2, High Barnet or Mill Hill East branch), and you can't miss the big sign for The Fortress (map), the venue where it's held.

It's open for a decent length of time too, from 9.30 pm to 4.30 am After midnight though the doors shut and you have to phone a number on the door to gain entry. If you're going to be late and want the number in advance you can get it from info@purrr.co.uk.

The local minicab company got a cab there only 5 minutes after I called them from the Purrr phone, so I had no trouble getting home at 4.30 am.

Venue

Other places have been too uncomfortable (remember freezing your butt off at Sticky Fingers?), dingy or sleazy, or lack atmosphere. No such problem here.

The club is in the basement, with the cloakroom and a small changing area upstairs (so you don't have to travel in full fetish regalia - but yes there is a dress code, see the Purrr website).

There are two decent sized main rooms, one for play (non-smoking) and one with seating and a small bar (smoking allowed). There's another room with a big tiled shower area and, in a separate part of the room, an massage bed. I heard there was a small upstairs room with a bed too, but I never got that far.

Sometimes it felt like there wasn't enough room to swing a cat in the play area, but that was mainly because of the huge numbers of women there. Some of the equipment could be further apart, but the size of the room is what it is, and it's certainly as well-equipped as it could be in the circumstances.

Plus, you can actually see what you (and everyone else) is doing. No squinting through dry ice haze here. Which is good not just for voyeurs, but from a safety point of view. Not that the lighting is glaring - it's just nice, as far as I'm concerned, enough for clarity without making you feel that your every move is in the spotlight. Maybe that's why I felt more comfortable there than I have in any other play club I've tried.

Talking about atmosphere,as I mentioned Purrr didn't feel at all sleazy to me. Some people get off on dirty, dark and dingy, but I don't. And remember, being relaxed and at ease isn't necessarily unsexy; quite the contrary.

Gear and equipment

You can bring your own kit if you want to, but truly there's gear galore at Purrr, from the typical sorts of "fixtures and fittings" you'd expect in a well-appointed dungeon, to percussive tools of all kinds. Check out the "our venue" page on the Purrr site for photos and a list (I won't deep link to that page so that readers don't skip over the "Over 18" only warning).

Even experienced players might scratch their heads a bit over what some of the kit there was for, but I'm sure the resident Dommes will be able to explain!

There's also plenty of antiseptic spray and wipes etc, which ought of course to be liberally used (and indeed the Purrr site says "Please clean up after yourself and wipe down any equipment when necessary."). There's a good supply of the usual disposables/consumables too.

Admissions policy

Again, the Purrr door policy wins hands down in my opinion: as I mentioned earlier they admit only women who live full time as women, and also trans men (female to male transexuals) and intersex people who feel that they still have ties to the women's/dyke community. No male transvestites or male crossdressers are allowed in.

Now arguments have raged, and I'm sure will always rage, about what door policies should be: how it's bad to exclude certain groups of people, etc, etc. My personal view is that men already have lots of clubs that they can go to, whether mixed or predominantly men only; but the sad fact is, women don't. Many women, some with very good reason, don't feel comfortable playing in the presence of bio men. So why shouldn't there be at least one club which caters to them?

Certainly, Purrr was packed out on launch night. Maybe a lot of women were there merely for curiosity's sake, and numbers may drop in the future, but my feeling is that Purrr's reputation will just grow and grow so numbers won't fall, and may even rise. Indeed, some people had travelled there from well outside London just to attend.

Privacy

As with other play clubs there are rules - what goes on at Purrr is meant to stay at Purrr. No photos are allowed. There was an official photographer who was rather more enthusiastically trigger-happy than some of us would have liked, but I am assured that no one was directly photographed except with their consent, and that Mistress Vamp has given strict instructions that everyone in the background of any photos has to be blurred out.

(As far as the media is concerned, anyway, I'm sure that Purrr would count as "public property where people have a reasonable expectation of privacy" so that no press photos could be published of anyone there without their consent.)

Value for money

Tickets in March 2006 cost £14 if bought in advance at Fettered Pleasures or Coffee Cake & Kink, or £16 on the door.

Now I've heard that some people thought that was too expensive, but the club opens at 9.30pm and closes at 4.30am; there are free nibbles like cheese and biscuits throughout the night; drinks don't cost the earth (£1 for a soft drink, £2.50 for a beer - you can even get coffee and tea there, how civilised is that?), there's even a floor show, the first one by Painted Lady - so all in all, per hour of fun I think it's amazingly good value for money, and it's only on once a month anyway.

Furthermore, though I only noticed the info on the Purrr site after the event, there was a discount on Fortress products bought on the night (cash only) available to all attendees.

There was also a raffle to raise money for SM Dykes South East, with some gorgeous prizes (see the Purrr Launch Night page on the Purrr site), sadly I didn't win any but I'm trying again next time.

The women

Last but certainly not least, whatever your taste or kink there was probably someone there to match it - a fascinatingly huge range of women of virtually every variety, dressed (or undressed) in almost every type of fetish wear you could think of, from uniform to classic Domme.

Just curious, nervous, both? The Purrr site says:

Purrr welcomes newbies and experienced players alike or indeed women who just want to watch or socialise. There is no pressure on anyone to do anything, so it's an ideal event to just come and see what’s happening without having to take part. However, if you wish to learn new skills or try something new then there are experienced Dommes available to answer your questions and help you.

The resident Dommes, Mistress Vamp (photo at the top of this page) and Mistress Morphia (photo on the right), are also resident Dommes at the famous Torture Garden. As mentioned earlier, they are available to help with unfamiliar equipment or tools (see the Purrr Etiquette page). They and all Purrr staff all wear badges so you can identify them. The temptation is very much to look elsewhere and not spot the badges, but what a very good excuse for peering closely at gorgeous women ("I was only trying to see if you had a Resident Mistress badge on...").

As with most women's club there's a certain amount of diffidence in talking to people you don't already know, but even so I struck up the odd conversation or two and met some interesting new women. However, as an icebreaker the Purrr organisers held a drinks meet the week before Purrr, on Tuesday 21 March, and clearly intend to hold more ("Occasionally we will organise meet ups at either Bar Wotever or Coffee Cake & Kink so you can meet your hosts and other people who attend the club, if you would like to know about future meets then please join the mailing list or e-mail us at info@purrr.co.uk.") - so if you'd like to attend, keep an eye on the Dungeon section of the Gingerbeer messageboard or join the Purrr mailing list (click the Mailing List link from the main page after you enter the site).

I couldn't make it to the March pre-Purrr meet myself, but I stayed at Purrr till closing (by which time it had thinned out a fair bit), and ended the night well content.

Now lest anyone think otherwise, I have no connection with Purrr and I haven't been bribed or coerced into writing positive things about it (I wish - on the bribing front, anyway)! But I do think both Mistress Vamp and Mistress Morphia are delightful yet down to earth - a perfect combination, as far as I'm concerned.

Given the way in which they're approaching this venture, it really deserves to succeed, and I hope it will. I for one plan to attend every event that I can - it's on the last Friday of every month except May (when they're all off to Manchester).

Don't go because you want to support them - go because it's the most fun play club there is for women in London!